Road Trip
by K.T. The opinionated
Summary: THe XKids get invited to visit a school for the gifted in Alabama. But to get there they have to survive the road trip. Logan with a migraine, sneaky crickets, pranks galor, and a mysterious character from Remy's past. Rated T just in case.
1. Are we there yet?

_Alright, here are some facts: _

_I posted this earlier with the name Summer Vacation. Let's say I really messed up when I posted it, So I'm trying to do it better this time._

_Couplings involve Lancitty, Jott, a possible Todd/OC, Jubby and Romy which will probably be more pronounced later. _

_Notes: _

_This story is AU so I can do whatever I want. Muahahaha! _

_The characters' ages are: Xavier, Logan, Mystique, Sabertooth, Ororo, Magneto. Who cares? They're adults. _

_Lance, Scott and Jean, are eighteen. _

_Peter, Warren, Remy, Rogue, and Amara are seventeen._

_John, Kitty, Kurt, Wanda, Pietro, Bobby, Ray, Roberto, Fred, Sam, Rahne, Tabitha and Amanda are sixteen. _

_Jubilee, Todd, X23 (who I am calling Renee), and Evan are fifteen. _

_Alex and Forge are fourteen(if I even include Alex). _

_And Jamie is thirteen. _

_If you want to give me some pointers, I would be very thankful._

_Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, never have probably never will sigh. I also don't own Shrek 2 (darn!snaps fingers) _

* * *

)X-Men( 

The bell rang and a mob of students shoved their way out of Bayville high as quickly as they could. The Xavier students were no exception.

"Freedom!" Kurt yelled as he shoved the door open and inhaled deeply.

"Please, Kurt, don't hold yer emotions inside. Let people know how you feel. Do a little happy dance," Rogue commented with dry sarcasm.

"I don't think so. Remy is dancing enough for ze both of us," Kurt replied.

"He's what . . . ?" Rogue demanded spinning on her heel in time to see Remy dance happily. She swatted herself in the forehead and turned back around. _Why did I turn around? Why? _She asked herself.

"What's wrong, _Chere_? You not happy dat school's over fo de summer?" Remy asked, laying his head on Rogue's shoulder.

"Get off," Rogue grumbled, shoving at him.

Remy grinned. "Just tink, _Chere_. Wit school out you can look forward to a fun-filled summer wit me," he said facetiously.

Rogue groaned. "Ah 'tink' Ah have a headache," She muttered.

"Yeah. They call him Remy," Jubilee said, popping a piece of gum in her mouth.

"_Pet-ite_," Remy whined.

"What? It's the truth," Bobby said.

"You just sayin' dat to get on Juby's good side," Remy accused.

"Maybe." Bobby replied.

When the group got as far as the parking lot Pietro ran up to the group with a camera. "Wait-wait-wait-wait. Stand-right-there. I-want-a-picture-of-this," He said in an excited voice.

"What?" Kurt, Bobby, Remy, Rogue and Jubilee asked simultaneously.

"That!" Pietro said as a cascade of cold water hit the teens. He snapped half a dozen pictures and zoomed off.

The group turned around to find John and Todd holding an empty bucket.

"You're dead," Rogue said in a deadly whisper.

They dropped the bucket and ran.

-------------------------------------------

_Later . . ._

When all the students where back at the mansion(and in dry clothes) Xavier called them all to the rec-room.

"So. Like, what's up?" Kitty asked.

"We have received a gracious invitation to spend a couple of weeks at a school for the gifted in Alabama. I thought perhaps you would enjoy a change in scenery and wanted your opinions on the matter." Xavier replied.

"I think that's a really bad-" Logan said before being cut off.

"Road-trip!" Sam whooped.

"Is it an all girl school? Please tell me it's an all girl school," Ray said.

"Are we gonna have to share rooms?" Jamie asked.

"Is there a suitable training facility?" Renee asked.

"Is there a mall nearby?" Kitty and Jubilee asked simultaneously.

"Slow down. The only question I can answer for certain is that the school houses both male and female students. Now, do you want to go?" Xavier said in an exasperated voice.

Xavier, Logan, Ororo and Hank were nearly deafened by the students various ways of saying yes.

Logan got to his feet and headed toward the door.

"Where are you going?" Renee asked.

"Store. I'm gonna get some cigars, beer and aspirin." Logan grumbled. "I'm gonna need it." Then he retreated before he could receive Jubilee's that's-not-good-for-you speech.

_--------------------------------_

_Two weeks later . . ._

Logan found himself sitting in the drivers' seat of his truck with a cigar sticking out of the corner of his mouth. His fingers tapped the steering wheel impatiently. "C'mon," He growled. "How long does it take for four teenagers to pack?" Logan sat in the truck for what seemed like forever and finally Kitty and Jubilee showed up walking toward the truck.

"Where are Renee and Bobby?" Logan demanded. "And aren't you taking any clothes with you?" He said acknowledging their lack of luggage.

"They'll be here in a few minutes." Kitty said.

_The clothes or the other kids?_ Logan asked himself.

Several minutes later Renee and a towering pile of luggage made their way toward the truck. Sticking out of the bottom of the pile of luggage was a pair of legs.

_Just my luck.'Hey Professor, we can take my private jet.' Angel says. 'But there's only room for eleven passengers. Oh, I know. Scott and Logan can drive the others down.' What did I ever do to him?_ Logan asked himself.

-----------------------------------------

_Meanwhile . . ._

"Window seat!" Kurt and Remy yelled in unison as they ran toward Scott's car.

_Great. I get stuck between those to bozos._ Rogue thought as she put her bag in the trunk.

"Just what I always wanted to do. Go on a road-trip with LeBeau." Scott mumbled to Jean who was in the front passengers' seat.

"Be nice." Jean replied.

"If I have too." Scott muttered.

When everyone was seated Scott pulled out of the driveway and Kurt and Remy exchanged evil looks.

"Ahh, no," Rogue groaned but was drowned out by singing.

"_Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety-nine bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around. Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall _. . . "

_--------------------------------_

_Half an hour later . . ._

"_One bottle of beer on the wall. One bottle of beer. Take it down and pass it around. No bottles of beer on the wall." _Kurt and Remy finished.

"Finally." Scott said with a sigh.

There was a peaceful silence that lasted about twenty minutes.

"Are we dhere yet?" Remy asked breaking the silence.

"No," Scott said, whimpering.

"Are ve zhere yet?" Kurt asked after a second.

"No," Scott said, starting to get irritated.

"How 'bout now?" Remy asked.

"No," Scott growled.

"Or now?" Kurt asked.

"How about now?" Remy inquired.

"NO!" Scott yelled.

There was silence for a few minutes.

"Are ve zhere yet?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah, are we dhere yet?" Remy asked.

"No! Now don't make me pull this car over or you're not going to like it,"Scott snapped.

"I have to use ze little elves room," Kurt said squirming in his seat.

"Me too," Remy said. "Err, I mean I gotta use de bat'room."

"Well hold it. We're stuck in traffic," Scott snapped.

"But I gotta go _now_," Remy whined.

"I. SAID. HOLD. IT!" Scott yelled.

Once again there was a momentary silence.

"Are ve zhere yet? I can't hold it much longer," Kurt said.

"Yes,"Scott said as they finally reached a gas station.

As Kurt and Remy ran inside Scott dropped his head on the steering wheel. "I'm the father of three year-old twins," He said in a voice that sounded like he was on the edge of crying.

"Makes you have a new respect for Logan, huh?" Rogue asked.

"When did they become allies anyway?" Scott asked the steering wheel.

When the duo returned they were laden down with soft drinks, chips and candy.

"What the . . . ?" Scott asked.

"Supplies," Remy replied.

"Why does that frighten meh?" Rogue asked.

"Because it should," Scott muttered.

They left the gas station and about twenty minutes later Scott heard,

"Hey, Scott. I need to use the bathroom," from Jean.

Scott rolled his eyes. "Can't you hold it just a little while?" he begged.

"I guess so," Jean said, crossing her legs.

Scott got off at the next ramp and pulled into another gas station.

"Here you go," he said.

-----------------------------------------

_And once again they were back on the road._

"Are we dhere yet?" Remy asked.

"No," Scott said in a voice that indicated that he was resigned to his fate.

"Are ve zhere yet?" Kurt asked.

"No," Scott said in a pleasant I'm-losing-my-mind-and-don't-really-care-anymore voice.

Remy started making an annoying popping sound with his lips.

"That's it. When we get home I'm using Shrek Two for target practice," Scott snapped irritably.

"Scott!" Jean gasped in a hurt voice.

"Ah can't believe you said that," Rogue muttered in disgust.

"What dhey said," Remy grumbled.

All eyes in the car locked on Scott and there were several moments of silence. Somehow the silences seemed to be worse than the noise.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper. I overreacted and I was wrong," Scott mumbled.

More silence.

"Are we dhere yet?" Remy asked.

"No," Scott said, a vein in his temple starting to throb.

"You know, I think zat he is starting to turn ze same shade of green as Shrek," Kurt said.

"Hey. Why don't we call Logan and find out where they are?" Jean said, pulling out her cell phone.

She dialed Logan's number and put the phone on speaker phone.

"What?" Logan's irritated voice snapped.

"WHAZZUP?" Kurt and Remy shouted at the phone.

In the background Jubilee and Bobby could be heard singing,

"_Are we there yet? I'm hungry. Gotta use the potty, need to move my body . . ."_

"Are you dying, lost, or have you been in a car wreck?" Logan asked the phone.

"No . . . " Jean said.

"Then I'm hanging up," Logan snapped and did so.

* * *

)ME( 

_So, what did you think? If you liked it please review:) If you hated it, please review:( If you don't really care, please review anyway because I would like to know that someone is reading, –K.T. _

_P.S. I was intending to do more Logan torture but decided that I was having fun torturing Scott (doesn't everyone?). _


	2. A hotel and the Brotherhood

_Hello once again people. Thank you very much for reading. _

_Hey, just a warning: I may mess up on a regular basis do to my lack of viewing X-men: evolution. The channel it used to be on never comes in very clearly so a lot of what I write is based on fanfiction, the old cartoons, comics, and (please forgive me) the first two movies. (Me no likey the third one sticks tongue out)._

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed: Diaz F, Billy-Eden, El Burrito, Red Witch, Gothicruby, Kari-Hermione, telegb, retirw (my Mom), Rogue181, "Doctor" cheerleaderchick, Pookwana, gambit-rogue, Slappy is my name-o, Z-AKA Andrea, theauthorwearsprada, Fire Lady a.k.a. Ruby Autobot, and DarkJadedRose._

_Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution (Sob), Mapquest, (If I did it would be a lot more accurate :o ), Pirates of the Carribean, Lord of the rings, A Cinderella story, Orlando Bloom (there's a strange thought), Johnny Depp (Eww, talk about a freak of nature) or Viggo Mortenson (otherwise I'd have a lot more money) so I don't make any money off of them and I don't want to lose any because of them. _

)#BROTHERHOOD#( 

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at the institute . . . _

"Yo Beast, where is everybody?" Todd asked the only resident remaining at the institute

as he and Fred raided the refrigerator.

"They've gone on a trip Mr. Tolanski and I would appreciate it if you did the same," Beast said in a polite but agitated voice.

"Good idea. We could use some Mystique-free time yo," Todd said, totally missing the point.

"That's not what I-" Beast began but was cut off.

"Hey guys, come check this out. The X-Geeks have been downloading directions from Mapquest. You know what I'm thinkin'?" John said as he shuffled through a pile of paper..

"That they're going to get lost. Remember when we tried to use Mapquest to get to Las Vegas that one time?" Fred commented, pulling his head out of the fridge.

"That's not what I'm talking about Blob. I mean-" John started.

"ROAD TRIP!" Pietro shouted as he ran zoomed around the kitchen.

"Oh, no. Logan's going to kill me," Beast said, dropping his head in his hands.

* * *

_Hours later, somewhere... _

"Hank, I'm gonna make a rug outta you," Logan snarled into the phone.

The Brotherhood now ran wild in the room that was supposed to shared by Scott, Logan, Remy, Kurt and Bobby.

"Stop jumping on the bed Toad! Pietro, that Reddy whip better be goin' in your mouth! Hank don't you dare hang- . . . #&$!" Logan cursed loudly when he was greeted by a dial tone.

He slammed the phone down on the receiver.

"Where's the Cajun?" he demanded.

"I think he said something about teaching those catholic school girls down the hall black jack," Fred informed.

"What? And nobody told me?" Logan and Pietro said in unison and Pietro ran out of the room.

Logan turned to everyone left in the room. "When we get home you're all grounded," He growled. "Especially Gumbo and the speed demon."

"You're going to ground us to the institute?" John asked.

"No. I'm going to ground the Brotherhood from coming to the institute and I'll deal out suitable punishments to the rest of you. And where the heck is Lance?" Logan demanded.

_And now in the girls' bedroom... _(Authors note: The opinions expressed at this point are not necessarily that of the author, Johnny Depp shudders icky, creepy, and just plain weird.)

"Viggo Mortenson was totally cuter in 'Lord of the rings'," Kitty said from where she sat on Lance's knee.

"Are you kidding? Johnny Depp in 'Pirates of the Carribean' was way cuter than that," Tabitha said.

Rogue rolled her eyes.

"You two are both wrong. Orlando Bloom in 'Pirates of the Carribean' was cuter than either of them," Jubilee said.

"Okay, she has a point," Kitty said.

"Hey! What about Lance Alvers from 'the Brotherhood'?" Lance demanded.

"Aww, of course you're cute Lance," Kitty said kissing him on the cheek. "You're just not Orlando Bloom."

Lance scowled.

"Hey guys, let's watch a movie," Kitty said, slipping off of Lance's knee to rummage through one of her bags.

"Yeah, that one," Jubilee said, pointing.

"Okay," Kitty said. She straitened up with a DVD case in her hands. She put the movie in the player and Lance and Rogue groaned.

"What's 'A Cinderella story'?" Renee asked.

"Chick-flick," Lance and Rogue mumbled.

"That is going off _right_ now," Logan said as he entered the room dragging Remy in by his ear (Pietro had managed to evade justice). He did the same to Lance and marched them out of the room. "Lights out!" Logan snapped before shutting the door.

He marched the boys to the room which had now been torn to shreds.

" . . . got to use the Reddy whip so I get the silly-string!" John yelled at Pietro. Each of the boys had one end of the can and was pulling fiercely.

"I didn't get to use the whole can, Fred ate it," Pietro argued.

"That's your problem," John said pulling on the can. His hand slipped on the button and Logan received a stream of silly-string in the face.

"You want it?" Logan snarled snatching the can from the boys' hands. "Go fetch!" he said throwing the can out the open window.

"Hey!" John and Pietro said in unison.

"Brotherhood. Out. Now!" Logan said pointing toward the door.

"But we don't have enough money for gas _and_ a room so we were kinda hoping you'd let us stay with you," Pietro said, attempting to give Logan an innocent look.

------------------------------

_Later..._

_What was I thinking?_ Logan asked himself from where he lay _under_ one of the beds.

"Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes-" Fred sang.

"Knock it off will ya?" Logan interrupted.

"But I have to sing or I can't sleep," Fred argued.

Logan gave Todd-who was in the floor beside him- a questioning look.

"He's serious, yo," Todd said, nodding.

"Fine. Get it over with," Logan groaned pulling a pillow over his head.

_Hours later..._

Logan lay awake, unable to sleep due to the array of weapons being used against him.

"No! Don't take my lighter! I love my lighter. Please no, Mommy. Ahh! it wasn't Mom it was a demon wallaby! Give my lighter back! AHHHH! Mystique! Why were you disguised as Mommy and a demon wallaby? No! Don't throw my lighter out the window! You'll hurt it!" John yelled in his sleep.

Not to mention Fred's deep window rattling snore, Todd's which sounded like a weed-eater and Bobby's which sounded like 'Jubib-billy, Jubib- billy.'

Logan looked up at the bed he wasn't laying under. "You awake Scott?" He asked.

"How could I possibly sleep? Somebody had the bright idea having Lance sleep in my bed. And he keeps on whispering in my ear 'Kitty, I love you Kitty'," Scott snarled. "And if he puts his arms around me one more time . . . " he trailed off.

Logan smirked thinking that maybe being stuck under the bed wasn't that bad.

John sat bolt upright in bed. "MY LIGHTER!" he yelled before plopping back on his pillow.

"You tink dhey'd notice If we drowned him in de pool?" Remy asked from a dark(er) corner of the room.

"After a while he'd get to stinkin'," Pietro replied from on top of the bed that Logan was under. The one he was stuck sharing with the irritating Aussie.

"Maybe we could send him by way of the silly-string," Scott said.

"Now there's an idea." Logan pondered.

"Back evil wallaby! Stay away from my lighter! Ahh the koala's in league with you. Vile koala. You will pay!" John yelled then rolled out of bed and onto Blob.

"Pizza?" Fred asked.

"Kitty? Kitty is that you?" Lance asked. Wrapping his arms around Scott's waist.

Scott pushed Lance out of the bed and onto Todd.

"I don't wanna go to school Mystique, I wanna stay here with Wanda," Todd mumbled.

"What the heck am I doing down here?" Lance demanded.

"I have absolutely no idea," Scott said in an innocent voice.

"You pushed me," Lance accused.

"If you hadn't been so friendly I wouldn't have," Scott replied.

A puzzled expression crossed Lance's face. "What are you talking about?" he demanded.

"_Kitty? Kitty is that you?_" Pietro mocked. "_I love you Kitty."_

Lance turned around and glared at Pietro.

"I'm sleeping in the floor," Lance said, getting to his feet and grabbing his pillow and a blanket from the bed and tripping over Todd.

"Hmmm?" Todd asked.

Lance laid down in the floor at the end of one of the beds, grumbling about X-Geeks and idiots.

About half an hour later Logan crawled out from under the bed, shoving John and Fred just far enough for him to get up.

He made his way to the bathroom, stepping overtop of Lance as he went.

When he got to the bathroom he closed the door behind him and looked down to see Kurt asleep in the bathtub at which point he walked back out of the bathroom and laid down in the floor.

)ME( 

_John's sleep talking was inspired by my brother. In the middle of the night at my home you're likely to hear things like: "I don' wanna" "What if I change my mind?" and "Go 'way". It can be rather amusing at times. Mom used to listen by the doors to my brother and I's rooms because we admitted to things in our sleep. I've always had a problem with my overactive conscious but I don't **think** I sleep-confess any more, -K.T. _


	3. Purgatory is a road trip

_Thank you reviewers! Without you all I would have is my cousin and my Mom (not that I don't love them)._

_Okay, the disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this chapter but I'm trying to be an optimist. I don't have to buy shampoo for Hank and Kurt(I bet they use Selson blue.). lighter fluid for John. Beer, aspirin, and cigars for Logan. Or vegetarian food for Kitty._

* * *

)X-Men( 

The next morning Logan had to do quite a lot of dodging and ducking as the Brotherhood ran, zoomed, and hopped through the hotel room.

Their departure was delayed significantly when Logan had to explain to the hotel manager that he had _obviously_ been seeing things when a girl ran _through_ a wall to avoid an exploding playing card that was meant for John (it's a long story). Scott and Lance's fist-fight didn't speed things up any but it did mean that Remy got quite a lot of loot as bookie.

Logan had calmly opened his wallet and paid for the damages caused by the young mutants while he muttered death threats under his breath.

When the groups were back on the road again Logan was dismayed to learn that there were walky-talkies in all three vehicles.

He nearly lost it after the fourth round of the Brotherhood singing '_On the Road Again'._

And Jean found it rather disturbing when she caught Logan's thought of _Willy Nelson must die!_

After five minutes of silence the Brotherhood (or part thereof) started singing again.

"_Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut just now._

_Just now I found a peanut, found a peanut just now. _

_Cracked it open, cracked it open, cracked it open just now._

_Just now I cracked it open, Cracked it open just now._

_It was rotten, it was rotten, it was rotten just now._

_Just now it was rotten, it was rotten just now._

_Ate it anyway, ate it anyway, ate it anyway just now._

_Just now I ate it anyway, ate it anyway just now._

_Got sick, got sick, got sick just now._

_Just now I got sick, got sick just now._

_Called the doctor, called the doctor, called the doctor just now._

_Just now I called the doctor, called the doctor just now._

_Died anyway, died anyway, died anyway just now._

_Just now I died anyway, died anyway just now._

_Went to heaven, went to heaven, went to heaven just now._

_Just now I went to heaven, went to heaven just now._

('yeah right!' Kitty scoffed.)

_Got wings, got wings, got wings just now._

_Just now I got wings, got wings just now._

_Pinched an angel, pinched an angel, pinched an angel just now._

_Just now I pinched an angel, pinched an angel just now._

_Got demoted, got demoted, got demoted just now._

_Just now I got demoted, got demoted just now._

_Went down, went down, went down just now._

_Just now I went down, went down just now._

_Got a pitch fork, got a pitch fork, got a pitch fork just now._

_Just now I got a pitch fork, got a pitch fork just now._

_Stuck the devil, stuck the devil, stuck the devil just now._

_Just now I stuck the devil, stuck the devil just now._

_Got pardoned, got pardoned, got pardoned just now._

_Just now I got pardoned, got pardoned just now."_

The boys began the song again. There was the sound of a flurry of fists and assorted yelps as Tabitha and Wanda beat the stuffin's out of everyone else in the vehicle with the exception of Lance, who would have been helping them if he weren't driving.

_(I wonder who was holding the talk button on the walky-talky? Don't ask me. I don't come up with this stuff. I only do what the voices tell me to.) _

"Oww! Wanda's hitting me!" Pietro whined into the walky-talky.

"Hey, Wanda. Stop hitting him and he might shut up," came Scott's voice.

The moments ticked by in tense silence and the vein in Logan's forehead began to throb as he waited for whatever evil would come.

"Lo-gan! Pietro's poking me!"John whined.

"He started it," Pietro replied.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-"

"I don't care who started it, I'm gonna finish it," Logan threatened. "Now keep your hands to yourselves."

"John kicked me!" Todd said after a minute.

"Did not!" John argued.

"Did too!" Todd said.

"THAT'S IT!" Logan snarled. "Do not touch each other. Do not touch each others clothing or anything else of theirs."

"Todd stuck his tongue out at me!" John said less than a minute later.

"No sticking your tongues out at each other," Logan growled.

"Yo, Logan. John's making faces at me!" Todd said.

"No making faces," Logan ordered.

"Pietro's looking at me," John said less than half a second after Logan finished talking.

"Face the seat in front of you. Keep your hands, feet, _and_ tongues to yourselves. Do I make myself clear?" Logan demanded.

"Yes, sir," The boys said with angelic voices.

_Five minutes later..._

"John elbowed me!" Pietro squawked.

Logan rolled his eyes heaven-ward in a silent plea then hit the button on the walky-talky.

"Wanda?"

"What?" came Wanda's voice.

"Kill them," Logan said in a level, emotionless voice.

"With pleasure," Wanda said, and there was radio silence.

)The Logan-mobile( 

Jubilee punched Bobby on the arm after a few moments of relative peace.

"What was that for?" Bobby asked.

"Punch buggy," She declared, pointing at a red Volkswagen beetle and smiling innocently.

"Punch buggy?" Bobby asked, his eyebrows raised. "Where have you been? Everybody knows they're called slug-bugs," he said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Are not," Jubilee argued.

"Are too," Bobby said.

The twosome bickered in this manner for several minutes but stopped in shock when Logan turned around and punched them both, not hard but hard enough, and pointed out the window at a PT Cruiser.

"Call 'em PT Bruisers don't they?" Logan asked casually.

"He...Hit us," Jubilee stated in amazement. She didn't whine, she just commented.

"Like, silence finally," Kitty said.

"Agreed," Logan said.

_And now we shall go to one of my favorite subjects, Scott torture . . . Muahahaha . . ._

"Remy's telling you, it won't happen," Remy said as he looked at the package of pop-rocks that he and Kurt had purchased at a mini-mart the day before.

"Zen prove it," Kurt replied.

Remy tore open the envelope of pop-rocks, poured the contents in his mouth, and drank the remainder of his Mountain dew.

"See? I didn't blow up," Remy said.

"Yet," Kurt replied and crossed his arms over his chest.

Remy rolled his eyes. "Hey look, squirrel." He commented pointing at the mangled road-kill just inches from the yellow line.

"Why are you pointing out the demise of innocent rodents?" Scott asked.

"Haven't you evah played Name that road-kill?" Rogue asked.

"Oh, no. Another of you peoples' games," Scott said shaking his head.

"Possum," Kurt said.

"Rabbit. I think. It might have been a cat though. Oh, never mind , it was a sweatshirt," Jean said. Earning stares from her companions.

"What? I was bored," She shrugged.

"You betrayed me," Scott whimpered.

_Several minutes later . . ._

"Pigeon." Kurt said.

"Ah knew those birds were stupid but lettin' itself get hit by a car?" Rogue shook her head.

"Who said it vos in ze road vhen it died?" Kurt asked. "It might have died ov a heart attack and fallen in ze road."

"What are the chances of that?" Rogue demanded of her brother.

"I vould say rather high," Kurt commented as he and the others watched a pigeon stop in mid flight and start a rapid descent which ended in the black top.

"Ah don't believe it," Rogue muttered.

"So . . . " Remy asked. "Who wants to set up a betting pool?"

_The moments flew by with little incidences until Remy burped..._

"Ahhhh! He's going to explode!" Kurt yelled then bamphed into Logan's truck between Logan and Renee.

"WHAT THE!" Logan snarled. Fish tailing the truck all over the road the regaining control. "ELF! Don't EVER do that again!"

"I'm sorry Logan," Kurt said innocently. "But I did not vant to be in ze vehicle vhen Remy exploded."

"Why would Gumbo explode?" Logan asked. Fear creeping into his voice as he thought of what trouble the Cajun could get into.

"He ate Pop-rocks and Mountain dew at ze same time," Kurt replied.

"Kurt," Logan said.

"Ja?"

"I suggest you get out of this vehicle 'cause I'm gonna kill you," Logan said.

ReadMeReadMeReadMeReadMe

_And the Scott torture continues..._

"I'm. Not. Touching-you," Remy said poking Rogue's arm then jerking back before he finished the sentence.

Rogue endured this torture far longer than most human beings are capable, then she pulled off her right glove and held the palm of her hand just a fraction of an inch from Remy's cheek.

"Ah'm not touchin' you," Rogue said.

"Dat's not fair, _Chere." _Remy said.

"Turn about's fair play," Scott said on Rogue's behalf.

Remy scowled. "If Remy gonna get zapped he gonna do it in style," Remy said then grabbed Rogue's arm and kissed her on the lips.

"You, you, you, _jerk_!" Rogue said, finding it impossible to find an appropriate insult.

Remy gave her his Trademark smirk then scooted over towards her.

"He's on my side!" Rogue tattled.

"Remy is not! She got all her space _and_ Kurt's," Remy argued.

"Act your age. Not your shoe size," Scott said.

"_Act your age. Not your shoe size," _Remy mimicked.

"Don't copy me, Remy."

"_Don' copy me, Remy."_

"Stop it!"

"_Stop it!"_

"Don't make me come back there."

"_Don' make me come back dhere."_

"I'm warning you . . . "

"_I'm warning you . . . "_

"Gambit . . . "

"_Gambit . . . "_

"Stop. Copying. Me."

"_Stop. Copying. Me."_

Scott fumed in silent irritation and Remy started moving closer to Rogue again.

"That's it, Swamp rat," Rogue said, scooting into what had been Kurt's spot. "There's a wall here." She made an imaginary line through the air and across the seat. "That's your side. This is mine. You don't cross the wall. Got it?"

Remy nodded.

"But your side's bigger dhen mine." He whined.

"No it ain't. They're equal," Rogue argued.

"What ever you say . . . " Remy said.

"Alright. You want meh to move the wall? I will," Rogue said.

"No, don' worry about it now, _Chere," _Remy said in one of those childish, huffy voices.

"But I want to."

"Remy say don' worry about it."

"Fine, I won't."

_Several moments passed . . ._

"But your side is bigger, you know?" Remy said.

Rogue exhaled loudly. "Fine! Take however much space you want. Ah don't care."

"Remy did not say he wanted more space. He just say your side bigger. But since you so generous . . . " Remy scooted over and leaned on Rogue like a pillow.

"You're a pain. Ya know that?" Rogue said.

"Mm-hm," Remy mumbled against her shoulder.

* * *

)K.T.( 

_Well, What'd ya think? Better or worse than the previous chapters? Please tell me! _

_Thank you again to all who reviewed. It is very much appreciated._

_By the way. If you hate the song 'Found a peanut' you ain't the only one. I nearly lost what little sense I have writing the stupid thing down. Aww, great. Now it's stuck in my head. I'm such an idiot(LOL, it's true.), _

_-K.T._


	4. Mission Improbable

_Hello! As always thank you for your time. Reviews of all kinds are appreciated and ideas are fantastic._

_Okay, I know this chapter isn't exactly the greatest, but it sets things up for the next chapter._

_Hopefully you'll still get a couple of laughs out of this anyway._

_Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. But I can wish._

)BROTHERHOOD( 

Logan's death threat had been reason enough for Kurt to evacuate the vehicle. He now found himself in a compromised position in the Brotherhood-mobile directly between Wanda and Pietro. And to make things worse Kurt had teleported just as Wanda had made to hit Pietro.

"Ahh! Don't hurt me!" Kurt yelped and Bamphed into the seat next to Toad causing Wanda's fist hit its original target.

"Yo, Kurt. What are you doin' here? I thought you were with Rogue and them," Todd said.

"It's a long story," Kurt replied.

"Does it involve Gambit exploding and Logan threatening to kill you?" John asked in a smart-Alec-y voice.

"How did you know zat?" Kurt asked.

John's jaw dropped. "I was jokin' mate," he said, "did Gambit really explode?"

"I don't know. I bamphed before zhere vas time to find out," Kurt replied.

"Smart move," Pietro gasped from the pretzel-like shape his loving sister had tied him into.

"I didn't know you vere zat flexible," Kurt commented.

"I didn't know my butt was that big," Pietro replied.

"That's gotta hurt," Fred said.

"No, it's comfortable!" Pietro snapped sarcastically.

"In that case, next time we can stuff you in the luggage, since it's comfortable," Lance said.

"No!" Pietro gasped/yelled.

)X-Goobers( 

When they arrived at the hotel Kurt rejoined the X-Men.

It was quite obvious that the previous nights' events had, had an effect on Logan since he put the Brotherhood on another level.

"I claim one of the beds," Scott informed since the rules seemed to be claim it or lose it.

"I get de other," Remy said, running toward said furniture.

"I don't think so, Gumbo," Logan said, grabbing the back of Remy's trench-coat and dropping a sleeping bag in the Cajun's arms. "This bed is _mine_."

"Rats," Remy cursed.

In the following minutes showers were taken, sleeping bags were tossed haphazardly in the floor, pizzas were ordered, and card games were played.

"You cheated!" Bobby said to Remy as, yet again Remy won go-fish.

"Don' be ridiculous. Remy did not cheat," Remy argued.

"I know good and well that there aren't seven sword fish," Bobby said.

"How'd dat happen? Remy only put two extra in," Remy stated, furrowing his eyebrows.

Bobby and Remy turned to the only other player, Kurt.

"Vhat? I never could vin an honest game ov go-fish," Kurt said sheepishly.

When the pizza arrived at twelve ten a.m. it was divided between the rooms and each group ate separately from the other.

"Alright. Last night we had to suffer through the Brotherhood, right?" Logan said.

"Yeah," Bobby agreed.

"Well tonight I say we get our revenge," Logan said with a demonic smile.

"Um, Logan. You're supposed to be an example. I don't think you should be encouraging

misbe-" Scott stopped in mid sentence at the glares he received.

"Pranks?" Remy asked.

"Pranks," Logan said with a nod.

"Remy in," Remy said.

"Mhuh to," Bobby said around a large piece of pizza.

"Zo am I," Kurt said.

Scott sat in uncomfortable silence for a minute.

"I get Lance," he said, finally.

)X-Female mischief( 

12:12 a.m. Location: X-Girls' bedroom, third floor, Holiday Inn Express.

"Okay girls, just for fun, what do you say we pull a few pranks on the guys?" Kitty asked mischievously.

"Sounds good. But how are we gonna do anything if they're in the room?" Rogue asked.

"Earlier Logan mentioned pulling some pranks on the Brotherhood boys. So if they're on another floor we should have plenty of time," Kitty said.

"Since when were you an evil mastermind prankster?" Jubilee asked.

"It's a difficult job, but somebody has to do it," Kitty said dramatically.

)+Duct tape?+( 

1:17 a.m. Location: X-Boys' bedroom, third floor, Holiday Inn Express.

"Duct tape?" Logan asked.

"Check," Bobby said, holding up two rolls.

"Makeup?"

"Check," Remy said, holding up the bag he had 'borrowed' from Kitty.

"Rubber spider?"

"Check."

"Cheese whiz?"

"Check."

"Cling wrap?"

"Check."

"Secret weapons?"

"Check,"

"Let's go," Logan said. Just for effect-and the sake of a bet-Logan was wearing black U.S. military fatigues and face paint.

1:20 a.m. Location: Brotherhood boys' bedroom, fifth floor, Holiday Inn Express(repeated for consistency).

The X-Boys carefully took to their assorted tasks. Remy was quite pleased to see the simplicity of the prank he was going to pull. His job had been made all the simpler by the style of sleeping bag John was using; Mummy bag.

Remy started walking toward John but froze in his place when the Aussie sat up and stared at him.

"Gambit! What the heck are you doin' in here?" John asked angrily.

"I, uh . . . " Remy's mind started working in overdrive trying to come up with an excuse.

"You're in league with the wallaby aren't you? You're here to steal my lighter an-" John fell back on his pillow, rolled over and started talking into it.

"Whew," Remy exhaled and continued his job.

)SNEAK( 

1:24 a.m. Location: X-Boys' bedroom, third floor, Holiday Inn Express.

"You only need to sew up one leg," Jubilee guided Jean who was working hastily on Remy's pants.

"Hey Kitty, can you pass the itchin' powder?" Rogue asked as she opened Logan's duffel bag.

"Here you go," Kitty said, handing a can to Rogue and returning to her mission of salting Scott's sheets and setting his watch fourteen minutes off.

"I'll take care of the bathroom," Renee said, walking toward it with a package of hair-dye, a canister of glitter, and a small, unmarked box in her arms.

"Where's the petroleum jelly?" Jubilee asked, holding up one of Bobby's sneakers.

"Here," Rogue got into the 'bag of tricks' and handed Jubilee a plastic jar.

"Thanks," Jubilee said.

Kitty delved into Scott's neatly packed bag and replaced every white T-shirt he had and all but one sock with various neon-colored ones.

Rogue found Logan's cell phone and changed the ring tones to . . .

When they were finished cleaning up the crime scene the girls looked around in satisfaction.

"Only one thing left to do to keep Logan off the trail," Kitty said and sprayed the room with Oust.

"Wait," Rogue said. She walked over to Remy's sleeping bag and pulled something out from under his pillow which she quickly hid.

"What's that?" Kitty asked.

"You'll find out later," Rogue replied in a conspiratorial way.

) Sneaks ( 

1:26 a.m. Location: Hallway outside the X-Girls' bedroom, third floor, Holiday Inn Express.

"So, what are we going to do?" Tabitha asked Wanda as she picked the electronic lock and swung the door open.

"Just watch," Wanda said and entered the room.

After just a couple of moments of working on her evil scheme Wanda exited the room.

"That was it?" Tabitha asked in confusion as they headed back to their room.

"Think about it. This is going to drive them nuts. It's not like they can squeal to Logan because he'll want an explanation about why they weren't in their room," Wanda said.

"And they're going to go crazy 'cause we-" Tabitha said but Wanda put a hand over her mouth.

"Shh, I think I hear someone coming."

)ME( 

_So . . . Any good? If I get some more reviews I might tell you what's going to happen._

_Want a hint? Someone gets an education on waxing!_

_Hope you enjoyed, -K.T. _


	5. Crickets and waxing

_Hello! I am SO happy! I got more reviews! If I could break dance I would, but you don't wanna see that(Trust me, it's ugly)._

_Thanks everybody._

_Once again, I own nothing. I told you this already now stop asking! No, wait. I do own something in this chapter: The cricket! (Just read). Fractions of the story you are about to read are true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty, innocent, and extraordinarily dumb (and for the reader's amusement). _

000) + (000

Logan and the boys made their way out of the Brotherhood boys' bedroom and down the hall at about 1:30 a.m.

"What are you two doin' out here?" Logan asked Wanda and Tabitha when they met in the hall.

"I could ask you the same thing," Wanda said, taking her hand off of Tabitha's mouth.

"We were just pulling some pranks on your brother and company. Now what are you doing?" Logan said.

"Nothing," The girls chorused innocently.

Logan tilted his head to the side and gave the girls a measuring look.

"Can we go now?" Wanda demanded.

"Yeah, whatever," Logan said.

The girls walked down the hall and to the elevators without doing anything worthy of suspicion.

"What do you think they're up to?" Bobby asked.

"Dunno," Logan said.

_#&+&#_

1:32 a.m. Location: X-Girls' bedroom, third floor, Holiday Inn Express.

"I know we closed and locked that door," Kitty said, pacing the room anxiously. When the girls returned from their pranking they had discovered the door of their room standing open.

"I think we've been pranked. After all, there's nothing to give the impression we've been robbed or anything," Jean said.

"Should we tell Logan?" Kitty asked.

"Tell him what? 'Oh, by the way, while we were pranking you guys, somebody came in our room, tipped over a trash can and opened Jean's purse'?" Jubilee said skeptically. "For all we know, the boys might have done . . . whatever it is that's been done to this room."

"But what if they didn't?" Renee asked.

"That still leaves Tabitha and Wanda," Kitty said.

Rogue sat on the end of her bed, working with great care on the item in her hands. Carefully handling the tattered item, a cherished piece of Remy's childhood. She had no intention of returning the object until she felt it was in perfect condition, sure, Remy'd be upset when he couldn't find it but it was a worthwhile risk.

1:31 a.m. Location: X-Boys' bedroom, third floor, Holiday Inn Express.

Logan inhaled sharply when he entered the room, "somebody's been in here," He growled.

"Okay, zat's nice, gute nacht," Kurt said, collapsing into an adorable blue fuzzy ball on the foot of Logan's bed.

"Hey, that's my-" Logan started to chase Kurt away but discovered that he was already asleep. "Darn you, Elf," he muttered under his breath.

Remy got down on the floor and reached under his pillow seeking the beloved item he had managed to preserve -sort of- since his childhood.

His hands gripped nothing.

He picked up his pillow and looked under it. It wasn't there! He looked around frantically trying to find it.

"Non, non," Remy whispered. He searched the entire contents of his bag in vain.

"Lose somethin' Gumbo?" Logan asked.

Remy looked up at Logan for a second.

"Bobby, I told you earlier, that's my bed," Scott said to Bobby, who had sprawled himself across Scott's bed.

"Yech, you can keep it, it feels like somebody poured sand on the sheets," Bobby responded, got up, and laid down across the head of Logan's bed.

"Hey, that's my-" Logan roared at Bobby.

Bobby's only reply was a loud snore.

After a while Logan totally forgot about talking to Remy and went to bed in one of the numerous sleeping bags on the floor.

Scott eventually laid down in the middle of Logan's bed and Remy laid down on a sleeping bag.

When Remy finally fell asleep he shifted, whimpered and cried incomprehensibly.

1:35Am. Location: Same.

Logan fell into a half sleep, his eyes drooping.

"Chirp-chirp."

Logan got to his feet and switched on the light.

"What's up, Logan?" Scott asked.

"Heard somethin'," Logan grunted.

Logan walked around the room, trying to find the source of the noise. After a minute he flicked out the light and had nearly reached his sleeping bag when the sound came to his ears again.

"Chirp, chirp."

Logan's eyes bulged.

He walked back over to the light switch and turned it on.

Dead silence.

He tried turning the light out and searching the room for the offensive noise in darkness.

Still quiet.

He walked back to his sleeping bag and had just crawled between the layers when . . .

"Chirp-chirp, chirp, chirp-chirp."

Logan screamed internally.

He got to his feet and prowled around the now silent room.

He sat in the shadows and waited intently, a predator in search of his prey.

After nine minutes he crawled back under the covers and had nearly fallen to sleep when the unholy cry came again.

"Chirp-chirp-chirp, chirp-chirp."

Logan twitched.

"Alright you little demon, come out where I can see you," he spoke softly into the darkness.

After a long silence Logan got up to go to the bathroom.

When he flicked on the bathroom lights, there in the middle of the floor, sat the culprit. Big, black eyes, long antennas, a glossy black body. Logan would have sworn the cricket's 'chirp-chirp' sounded like a laugh this time.

"I've got you now, you little abomination," he snarled and reached down to squish the little creature.

It bounced out of reach and let out a shrill 'chirpy'.

"C'mere, it won't hurt _much,_" Logan snarled and lunged for the bug.

Once again it jumped out of reach.

Logan cursed loudly.

"You okay, homme?" Remy asked, stifling a yawn as he walked toward Logan.

"Make yourself useful, go get a shoe," Logan ordered.

Remy gave him a quizzical look but obeyed.

When Remy returned he was accompanied by Scott.

"What's goin' on?" Scott asked, his eyes half shut.

"&$ cricket!" Logan growled.

As he spoke, the insect jumped on his head and out of the room.

"Quick, he's escaping! Cut off his retreat!" Logan said.

The boys exchanged 'he's losing it' glances and went to block off the crickets' escape attempt.

The cricket jumped up on Scott's shoulder and Remy and Logan both leapt over to get the creature.

When the three managed to untangle themselves from each other they were unable to find their adversary so Remy and Scott went back to bed.

Logan, on the other hand, sat in a corner of the room, eyes wide and searching, ears intent on the slightest sound. It was personal now.

"Chirp-chirpy."

Logan jumped to his feet and began stalking toward the part of the room the sound had come from.

"Chirp-chirp."

Logan spotted the tiny bug. It was no larger than a marble.

"Hello. You're going to die now," Logan said to the bug.

"Chirp?"

Glossy black eyes questioned Logan.

"Aw, fer the love a'," Logan grumbled and picked the bug up in his cupped hands.

The bug sat motionless in his hands, waiting to see what Logan would do.

"You've sure caused alotta trouble, ya know that?" Logan told the bug.

"Chip-chirp?"

"Never mind. You don't understand anyway," Logan replied to the bug.

"Who are you talking to?" Scott asked.

"The cricket," Logan replied.

"You're talking . . . to the cricket? Logan, It's a bug," Scott said.

"It's a very intelligent cricket," Logan informed.

"It's still a cricket."

"So? We talk to the Brotherhood. What's the difference?"

"None of them have six legs, and certain ones of them eat bugs."

"Point made."

\//\/\/\Muahahahahaha/\/\/\/\/

7:49a.m (Friday, June sixteenth if you're interested). Location: Brotherhood boys' bedroom, fifth floor, Holiday Inn Express.

Pietro opened his eyes and found himself face-to-face with a huge spider.

"Ahhhhhhh!" he screamed like a little girl and tried to hit the spider. That's when he discovered the Cheese whiz. It not only covered his right hand, but now it was splattered across his face. "Who-did-this!?!" he demanded of his comrades, who had easily slept through the familiar morning sound of his scream.

Fred opened one eye and discovered the Barbie doll that had been tucked in his arms. That's not the amazing part though. Somehow the X-Boys had managed to find a pink nightgown just like the one on the doll, _that fit Fred_.

"How did they get that on you?" Lance asked in amazement as he stared at the huge, pastel pink gown.

"Good-question," Pietro said, "I-love-the-matching-ribbon-in-your-Mohawk-by-the-way."

"Oh, this is gonna hurt," Lance whimpered as he looked down at the duct tape that had been carefully applied to his legs.

"Somebody wanna help me out, yo?" Todd asked. He had been turned into a Michelin man of cling wrap.

"Huhwahabowmuh."

"Who said that?" Fred asked.

"Um, guys, where's-John?" Pietro asked.

"Rowa-her! Rowa-her!"

"What!?!" Lance asked. He was not only commenting on the line of gibberish but was panicking as he discovered that duct tape was not only on his legs but his armpits as well.

"Row. A. Her."

"Oh, sorry." Fred's eyes widened and he got up off of the floor to reveal a slightly flattened sleeping bag.

The sleeping bag had been tightly duct taped at approximately where John's ankles, knees, and arms were. His face was faintly visible through the left leg-hole of his dirty underwear which had been duct taped over the outside of the mummy-bag.

Pietro tilted his head to the side and admired the handy work, "That's-a-good-look-for-you, John," he commented.

"Get me the heck outta here!" John yelled.

"Let's-leave-him," Pietro said.

"Yo, guys, could you help me out here?" Todd asked. He was totally immobilized, arms flailing as much as the cling wrap would allow(which wasn't much), "Aww, man, that's just wrong!" He said, lifting his head just enough to see a pair of scissors under several layers of cling wrap.

((I need better wallpaper))

7:52 a.m. Location: X-Boys' bedroom, etc, etc, etc.

A blood curdling scream filled the ears of all the inhabitants of the hotel.

Logan jumped up out of the chair he'd fallen asleep in as though he'd been electrocuted, his claws shooting out with the well known 'snikt' sound.

The cricket -which had been sitting on Logan's head- jumped onto the night stand, shaking.

"The girls," Scott said, jumping up and shaking the already awake Kurt and Bobby.

Logan, Bobby, Kurt, Scott and Remy ran out of their room and across the hall where the girls nearly plowed over them and vise-versa.

"Are you okay?" Logan demanded.

"Yeah, we're fine. We were checking on you," Kitty said.

The X-Kids ran down the hall and made their way to the elevators as they heard another shriek.

Kitty hit the button and they waited for the doors to open.

"Let's take the stairs," Logan said after a second.

"No good, we were banned from the stairs after Pietro, in all his wisdom, tried to use a trash can lid as a snow board," Bobby said.

"You applying the snow didn't help any," Jubilee said.

"I was blackmailed," Bobby argued.

"De stairs were a pretty good path 'till Fred hit dat Lil' ol' lady from de fourth floor," Remy informed.

"Where was I when this happened?" Logan demanded.

"The bathroom," Rogue said.

"This all happened in the time it took me to go to the bathroom?" Logan asked.

Renee nodded.

"Ve also pried Fred out ov ze stairvell in ze basement vhen you vere in ze bathroom," Kurt chimed in.

Before Logan had time to continue his interrogation the doors of the elevator opened and a little old lady in a neck brace stepped out.

She turned her wrinkly face on Bobby and Remy, "You stay away from me, you delinquent vandals," she snapped and used her walker to hobble down the hall, leg cast and all.

"Was that . . . ?" Logan inquired as they squeezed onto the elevator.

"She had it comin'. She called me a t'ief," Remy stated.

Logan glared at him, "Remy. You are a thief."

"Yeah, an' she an ol' bleu haired hag. She didn' have to be such a jerk about it," Remy said indignantly.

The group waited impatiently for the little light above the doors to hit five. After just a couple of seconds feet started tapping irritably while Muzak played in the background.

When the elevator doors slid open the group rushed down the hall and saw that the door to the Brotherhood boys' room was standing open. They ran in the room and saw Wanda, Tabitha and all of the boys but Lance laughing hysterically.

"Oh, it hurts! It BURNS!" Lance screamed. A hairy strip of duct tape was laying on the floor and there was a naked patch on his leg.

The X-Men soon joined in the laughter at Lance's suffering and Logan's claws were quickly retracted.

"It's not funny! It Fanfiction edited hurts!" Lance yelled. This, instead of stopping the laughter, only caused more to erupt. "Shut up you demented ghouls!"

A timid voice came from the hallway, "Excuse me, is everything alright?" A tiny lady with a cleaning staff pin on her white apron asked.

"Oh, yeah, things are great," Logan laughed.

"Alright," The woman said, casting a wary glance on the room at large.

The woman shuffled quickly down the hall to get away from the rowdy group.

When the woman was out of ear-shot Pietro smiled down at Lance.

"No. There is no way I'm going to let you-" Pietro crammed a pair of socks in the still talking Lance's mouth.

There was a muffled scream when Pietro tore off another piece of duct tape, and the ground rumbled slightly.

"Jeesh! Calm down Lance, it's not like you're dying," Kitty said.

Lance spat out the socks, "Kill me!" he yelled, "Make it end!"

This time it was Kitty who removed the duct tape.

From his armpit!

"**YEEOOOWW**!" Lance screamed in agony.

"This is better than TV," Todd said, passing a bowl of popcorn to the X-Men and handing another to Fred.

"Yeah-it-is, Michelin-Toad," Pietro laughed.

"Where's John?" Jean asked.

"Over . . . here," a miffed voice said from a corner of the room.

"Tell me that's not your undies," Jubilee said.

"It is."

"Oooooh, that's cruel," Jubilee muttered.

"Can you give me a hand?" John demanded.

"I'm not touching your dirty underwear," Jubilee replied.

"You just wait, one day when someone's duct taped you in your sleeping bag with your dirty knickers over your head, I won't help you," John threatened.

Jubilee walked over to John and whispered, "It won't happen, it's not in the script."

"Darn," John muttered. "Maybe I can get Red Witch to do it in one of her stories."

Jubilee held up an official looking paper. "You have a contract with K.T. The opinionated."

"I never signed that!" John declared.

Jubilee shook her head. "Mystique did for you," she said.

"Identity theft!" John yelled.

"How do you think Logan ended up in this story?" Jubilee asked.

"So that's how they did it . . . " John mumbled.

Jubilee returned to the entertainment of watching duct tape get ripped off of Lance.

Scott walked over and ripped a strip of tape off with a demented smile on his face.

"**OOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!" **Lance howled.

"I didn't know Scott could be zat . . . evil," Kurt whimpered, rubbing his fuzzy arms absent-mindedly.

DuctTape

The X-Men had joyfully assisted in the further removal of the duct tape. Lance now sat curled up in a corner whimpering over the loss of his manly body hair.

DuctTape

8:20 a.m. Location: X-Boys' bedroom, etc, etc, etc.

Remy slipped on his blue-jeans and promptly fell to the floor.

"What de?" Remy said as he got to his feet.

"Feeling kinda clumsy?" Bobby asked.

Remy glared at Bobby and attempted to pull his pants on again –with the same result.

This happened three more times. Always ending the same way.

Remy sat down on the end of Scott's bed and examined the right leg of his pants.

"Shoulda known," He grumbled, looking at the carefully done stitches.

"Zhey sewed your pants?" Kurt laughed.

"Oh, I don't believe this!" Scott said as he removed a neon green, blue, and pink tie-died T-shirt from his bag.

Bobby started laughing, but his expression changed when he slipped his foot into a slimy substance in his sneaker.

Kurt laughed openly at the evils befalling his companions.

"Just wait. You'll get yours," Logan said, scratching his side irritably.

"I know. But I'm still having fun right now," Kurt said.

"Always the optimist," Logan snorted.

"Chirpit?" The cricket inquired from where it sat perched on Logan's shoulder.

"Somebody who looks at the bright side of everything," Logan informed.

"Chirpip."

Logan carefully picked up the bug and placed it in one of the miniature cereal boxes that had come with breakfast.

"Chirp-chirp?" The cricket asked.

"Relax, Squeaky. It's only temporary," Logan said.

?_LimburgerCheeseSandwiches_?

8:35 a.m. Location: Holiday Inn parking lot.

"What happened to your shirt?" Jean asked as she looked at the brightly colored clothing Scott had resorted to wearing( Rule #1 of pranking: Act innocent, no self incrimination.).

"Somebody replaced my shirts and socks with . . . this," Scott muttered.

"Aww, how-cute," Pietro smirked.

"Do you want to wind up like him?" Scott asked, tilting his head in the direction of Lance.

"No-thanks," Pietro said, zooming behind Fred.

"What in the . . . ?" Logan's jaw dropped as the vehicles came into view.

Logan's truck and Scott's beloved convertible had been shrink wrapped. Plastic covered every imaginable inch of the vehicles.

Scott's jaw worked but no noise came from his mouth.

Logan turned to the Brotherhood.

The Brotherhood smiled back.

"At least they'll stay fresh three times longer then with the leading competitor," John commented, now free of his sleeping bag and briefs(the ones on his head).

'Snikt!'

"Logan, c'mon mate it was just a joke, you wouldn't really-" John said, but Logan merely used his claws to remove the shrink wrap. "-Oh."

The groups filed into the vehicles, but some of the X-Kids got in different ones than last time; Kitty, Remy, Bobby, and Kurt were with Logan, leaving Jubilee, Rogue, Renee, and of course, Jean, with Scott.

"I'm going to have ended a life by the end of this day," Logan said to himself.

"Oh my gosh it stinks in here!" Kitty said, holding her nose.

Logan got in the truck and was nearly knocked down by the scent that hit his nostrils.

"I vas vondering vhat happened to my Limburger sandvich," Kurt said, pulling a revolting mass off wheat bread and something . . . else, out from under one of the seats.

Logan snatched the sandwich from Kurt and pitched it out on the parking lot.

A moment later a police officer on a bicycle pulled into the spot next to Logan's truck.

His babyish face made it obvious that he was a young man and probably a rookie officer.

"Excuse me sir, is that your sandwich?" The young officer asked.

"No," Logan replied.

"I saw you throw it onto the parking lot," the officer stated.

"But it's not mine, it's his," Logan said, pointing at Kurt.

"Ja, he took my sandvich avay," Kurt said nodding.

"You stole his sandwich?" The officer asked.

"Not exactly, I just . . . " Logan drifted off.

"That's it. I'm writing you up," The young man said.

"For what?" Logan asked.

"Littering, improper disposal of a possible bio-hazard, and stealing from a minor," The officer said as he wrote out the ticket.

"Aww, come on, it's just a sandwich," Logan sighed.

"And next time it'll be just beer bottles, then it'll be just bags of drugs," The officer said, then handed the ticket to Logan, "Now pick that up and dispose of it properly. Oh by the way, the hotel manager wanted me to make sure you knew that you were banned from this hotel for life."

(: Authors'Note :)

_No little old ladies were harmed in the making of this fic. _

_The moral of this chapter: Never be the first person to fall asleep on a road trip._

_What did Tabitha and Wanda do? What did Rogue take that made Remy cry in his sleep? How much do you get fined for grand theft sandwich? And what will the kids do in the cars this time? Stay tuned and we might find out, free cookies to anyone who can figure it out ahead of time or give me ideas, _

_Also, please do not be offended by the bit with the police officer. I have grown up surrounded by law enforcement and other first responders and have great respect for such individuals. That was just a joke inspired by some extremely stupid individuals I have heard of in the past. Thank you, _

_-K.T._


	6. Mimi: Savior of Mapquest victims

_Hello again, thanks to everyone who read and a special thanks to those of you who reviewed _

_Alright, disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution, Mapquest, the General motors company, Indiana, Kentucky, Alabama, Nevada, or Barney. I do, however, own the town of Nowhere, Alabama, Fara Devereau, Sean O' Riley, Samantha Martinez, Amber Lee(no relation to Jubilation, or Robert E.), and Zane. Mimi belongs to herself, as does her Suburban. _

_If I stole someone's name for one of my characters I'm sorry, it was unintentional._

_OC ages (those included this chapter):_

_Fara Devereau: 17_

_Amber Lee: 16_

_Sean O' Riley: 15_

_Zane Michaels: 16_

_Samantha Martinez: 14_

-!X-Men!- 

8:43 a.m. Location: The Alabama academy for advanced sciences, Nowhere, Alabama.

Fara Devereau sat on a bench swing on the back porch painting her toenails.

She watched as her adopted siblings, Samantha Martinez and Sean O'Riley played euchre on the wood floor of the porch. She watched, but her attention wasn't really on the game.

_He was always playing with those stupid cards, _She thought as she applied the candy apple red nail polish.

_No point in thinking about it, I guess. It's not like I'll ever see him again -even if I want too. Suppose he was better off leaving like he did than getting caught up in the guild wars. _Fara sighed tiredly as she mulled over a subject that she had pondered what seemed like a hundred times before.

_He was an idiot. Probably dead or in prison by now. After all, they already said he was killed . . . _Frustration and anger that had been dormant for untold months seemed to well up in Fara's mind. _He was an idiot, but I loved him. Why didn't he tell me where he was going, or at least that he was leaving? He never even said good-bye. Maybe they were right. Maybe he is . . ._

"You alright, Fara?" Amber Lee -one of Fara's closest friends- asked, sitting down in one of the rocking chairs, "You look upset about something."

"I'm fine . . . I just . . . I was thinkin' about home," Fara said.

Amber smiled kindly, "You are home."

"I know that, but some things just . . . " Fara trailed off.

"Aren't the same? You aren't the only one who left something behind, ya know," Amber said.

"I know, I just wish _he_ hadn't left _me_ behind," Fara muttered.

"_He_ are we talking about some sweet, handsome, Cajun beau?" Amber teased.

"More like _LeBeau,_" Fara laughed at a joke only she understood.

Amber gave her friend a perplexed look. "Translation?"

-!X-Men!- 

9:52 a.m. Location?

"_Ninety-nine bot-" _

"If you value your lives, stop," Logan said to the teenagers as he scratched his chest, "This will now be a designated hour of silence."

"Do we have too?" Bobby asked.

"Yes," Logan said, now scratching his shoulder.

Remy pulled out his playing cards and started shuffling them, a sound that may very well be more annoying than the sound of Bobby's toes twitching in his petroleum jelly filled sneaker, Kitty -who was in the front seat- took over the radio, Kurt started staring out the window, and Bobby twiddled his thumbs for lack of anything better to do.

In less time than it took Logan to find a new place to scratch, Remy grew bored with shuffling his cards and tried staring out the window like Kurt.

_Going south again, there's a weird thought. Left a lot of things back in Louisiana, like Fara. If she's alive she probably hates my guts now. Wouldn't blame her if she did, I guess. Not like I told her I was leaving, didn't tell anybody . . . _Remy's thoughts drifted into memories of Louisiana and what little family and friends he had left there.

"Hel-lo! Earth to Remy! Do you read me?" Bobby asked.

Remy shook his head repeatedly, "Do-wha'?"

"I said the hour's up. We can talk now," Bobby said, _Something's not right here. He's barely said a word all morning. _

"Oh, okay."

"What were you zoned out over anyway?" Bobby asked, _Perhaps this mystery will be explained._

" . . . Nothin' . . . just . . . nothin'." Remy decided to keep his thoughts to himself.

"Alright, Whatever," Bobby said, dropping the subject. _When people don't want to talk there's no point pushing them_.

"Are we there yet?" Kitty asked.

"Don't you dare," Logan snarled as he attempted to stop the itch that seemed to be moving across his body.

"And . . . _ninety-nine bottles of-"_

"Bobby. Shut up," Logan said.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

_Later . . ._

Logan parked the truck in an empty lot at the bottom of a large hill that faced a river.

"Vhat's going on?" Kurt asked.

"There's supposed to be a bridge," Logan said, pointing at the map.

"Are you sure we're in the right place?" Kitty asked.

Logan pointed at a sign, "We're at the bottom of two-eleven hill. Mapquest says there's a bridge here."

"Dhen Mapquest confused," Remy yawned, looking out over the river.

"Where are we anyway?" Kitty asked.

Logan looked at the directions and furrowed his brow, "This can't be right," He said.

"Vhy? Vhat's it say?" Kurt asked.

"It says we're in Indiana. Why would Mapquest send us to Indiana to get from Massachusetts to Alabama?" Logan said as he scratched his thigh.

Scott pulled his car into the lot next to Logan's truck and was followed by Lance.

"What's going on?" Scott asked as he got out of his car.

"We're in Indiana and there's supposed to be a bridge there," Bobby pointed.

"I think we should tell the professor we're running late," Jean said.

Logan sighed and grabbed his cell phone, which rang in his hand.

'_Barney is a dinosaur from our imaginations, when he's tall he's what we call a dinosaur sensation-'_

Logan stared at the phone and then answered it while glaring at the kids, "Hello . . . ? Yeah, Chuck . . . Indiana . . . long story. You at the other school . . . ? Las Vegas . . . ? How'd you get-? Mapquest? You're in a (blinkin') plane . . . ! Never mind . . . How long's it gonna take you to get to Alabama? What do you mean you're renting cars . . . ? Engine trouble . . . ? Who let Forge mess with the fuel . . . ? All right. See you when you get there," Logan hung up the phone.

"LAS VEGAS . . . ?" The kids asked in unison.

"Mapquest. They're gonna take a long time to get to the school 'cause no one warned the pilot about Forge. He told him he had an idea for reducing fuel consumption and . . . well you get the picture." Logan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in the hopes of lessening his headache.

"Remy knew he shoulda gone wit dhem," Remy said.

"Why? You're too young to go in the casinos," Jubilee said.

"But Remy look older dhen he is," Remy replied.

Rogue rolled her eyes, "Yer gonna get meh in trouble one a' these days."

A mischievous grin was the reply.

"You can't say I didn't warn you," Logan said, scratching the back of his neck.

"So, um, where are we going?" Lance asked.

All faces turned to Logan.

"That's a good question," Logan said.

"You-don't-know?" Pietro asked.

"I hadn't planned on this," Logan admitted as the itch moved to a place that -with great difficulty- he managed to prevent himself from scratching .

"So what do we do?" Jean asked.

"Ask a local for directions?" Kitty supplied.

"I . . . guess so," Logan hissed through his teeth in a strained voice.

The students stared in amazement.

"You're actually asking for directions?" Jean gawked. Psychic or not she found it hard to believe.

They sat in the empty lot for a few minutes, then finally a woman in a Suburban started past them and Logan flagged her down.

"Can I help you, sir?" She asked.

"Yeah, uh, we're kinda lost . . . we're trying to get to Elizabethtown, Kentucky since it's on our way," Logan hung his head in humiliation.

"Mapquest?" The woman asked and stepped out of the truck. She got into the back and retrieved a yellow atlas, "Where exactly are you trying to get?" She asked as she turned pages.

"Nowhere, Alabama," Logan said, mentally cursing whoever named the town. "Mapquest said there was a bridge here."

"My daughter has some friends at a school down there," The woman said, "I'm Mimi, by the way, a fellow Mapquest victim. You can't get there from here," Mimi laughed, "You aren't the only one Mapquest tried to send over that bridge," She handed Logan the atlas and used a pen to mark different routes they could take.

"How'd we get so lucky as to meet somebody who knows about that town, here?" Logan asked.

"Retirw's daughter said you could use some help. Where are you comin' from anyway?" Mimi asked as she pointed out locations on the map.

"Massachusetts," Logan said. _retirw's daughter? What is that? Some kind of secret code?_

"Mass-? Never mind. I knew Mapquest was terrible," Mimi laughed.

"Well, thanks for the help," Logan said.

"No problem. Here, you can keep the atlas. I suggest going through Brandenburg instead of Louisville since you've got the blue kid with you. If you see Zane, tell him I said he'd better be eatin' good," Mimi said and climbed back in her Suburban.

She left the group and drove up the hill, as she went they could hear her singing '_I'm a little acorn brown . . . "_

"Nice lady," Logan said after a minute, "Strange. But nice."

"Am I the only one who realized she knew Kurt was blue?" John asked as the truck pulled away.

Kurt looked down at his watch and started tapping on its face.

"I don't get it, his image inducer is working," Scott said.

"Maybe she's a mutant who can see through illusions and stuff," Fred commented (For some reason saying 'Fred said' irritates me. Don't ask why, it just does.).

"What-if-she-has-x-ray-vision-and-can-see-through-our-underwear!" Pietro said.

"Great, the Brotherhood has a new conspiracy theory about women from Indiana." Logan shook his head. "Oh, and would anyone care to explain my current ring-tone?"

The kids looked around at each other, shook their heads, shrugged, and gave other signs of 'innocence'.

"Probably the same person that put a live cricket in the bathroom," Jubilee said. As the words came out of her mouth her eyes widened and she realized her mistake.

"Uh-huh. You don't have anything to do with that, _do you_?" Logan asked.

"Well . . . um, maybe," Jubilee said, aiming a puppy-dog look at him.

"Jean. Was this just certain people or were all the girls involved?" Scott asked.

"Only certain people," Jean said honestly. But that broad stripe of loyalty and dislike of deception caused a problem.

"Who were they?" Logan asked, scratching his chest.

"All of the X-Girls," Jean admitted.

Scott looked down at his shirt.

"I didn't do that," Jean said.

"That was me," Kitty snickered. Somehow, no matter how kind a person normally is, a road trip will cause a mischievous side of that individual to surface, "Jean sewed up Remy's pants."

Remy stared at Rogue with mock disbelief, "You let another woman sew Remy's pants?" He said.

Jean turned deep crimson. Somehow the tone of voice Remy used made it sound like something very bad.

"You touched _LeBeau's_ pants?" Scott asked, using a tone that made Remy sound like a leper.

Jean turned even-deeper-than-could-be-imagined red.

"It was just a little prank," she stammered.

Remy smirked. "If you say so . . . "

"Scott!" Jean said, trying to get him to defend her.

"What do you want me to say? 'She didn't mean anything by sewing up your pants'?" he asked.

Remy turned to Rogue, "You de one dat put itchin' powder in Logan's clothes, non?" he whispered with a smile.

"Ah plead by the fifth," Rogue replied just as quietly.

"Amendment or whiskey?" Remy continued on the same volume.

"What I want to know is who did what to our room," Jubilee said.

Tabitha and Wanda exchanged glances that no one else noticed.

The kids filed back to their respective places and soon were '_On the road again_'.

"Chirp-chirp," Squeaky said from his cereal box.

"Sorry, almost forgot," Logan said to the cricket, "We're gonna stop at a pet shop along the way and get food for Squeaky," he told the car as a whole, "Or maybe Wal-mart so we can get Bobby sneakers while we're at it." He grimaced as Bobby twitched his toes causing an unpleasant 'squelch' sound that only Logan could hear to come from the shoe.

"Since when did you keep pets?" Bobby asked.

" . . . Squeaky's . . . unique. Better than other pets. And I've had you all for a while," Logan informed.

"This is coming from the man who woke me up this morning with the cry of 'Quick, he's escaping! Cut off his retreat!'," Bobby quoted.

"That was before I knew him," Logan argued. "Besides, he gave me the eyes."

"It doesn't work vhen ve give you ze eyes," Kurt said.

"That's different," Logan said, opening the cereal box.

-!X-Men!- 

_Sorry if I didn't make this chapter as long as you wanted. I was kind of in a hurry to introduce the enigma that is Fara. _

_Credit for the "In less time than it took Logan to find a new place to scratch" comment goes to Pookwana. Thanks, Pook _

_If you're ever near 211 hill in Indiana, the bridge really isn't there. No matter what Mapquest says (I don't like Mapquest. Too many wild goose chases.)._

_Okay, here goes . . . if you don't review your belly-button will fall off. Seriously! Don't believe it? Try not reviewing. You'll regret it, -K.T._

_P.S. Just wait 'till Logan gets a call from Ororo. I got an inspiration from one of Pookwana's e-mails. **Muahahahahahaha!**_


	7. Whack!

_Darn it! I just realized another goof up with character ages(I have way too many mess ups). Remy was supposed to be seventeen. I'm sorry! Please forgive me! _

_My thanks goes out to all of my beloved reviewers and especially to my Mom (Hey, it's not as corny as it sounds . . .okay, maybe it is. Live with it.), my cousin Amanda, and DEFINITELY Pookwana. She's the one who suggested where they go to lunch. Muahahahahahahaha! _

_ )X-Men( _

_1:17Pm. Location: A Wal-mart somewhere in northwestern Kentucky_.

Logan stood in the pets department staring at a jar of feeder cricket food labeled 'Gut-load'.

"Somehow that just doesn't sound like good chow," He said to his shirt pocket as he scratched the back of his neck.

"Chirp-cheep," Squeaky replied.

"Yeah, you're right. It's better than nothing," Logan said, picking up the jar of yellow gel-like gloop. "Now to find the kids." _And maybe get some new clothes, _he thought as the itch moved again

)X-Men( 

_In women's clothes . . . _

"Hey, Jean. Try on this blouse," Kitty said, holding up a green shirt.

"I don't think so. Logan and Bobby should be done shopping soon," Jean said.

"Okay . . . Renee," Kitty said.

"I don't want to," Renee said.

Kitty looked at Jean and Renee with a 'Pretty please' look.

"Hey Kitty! Come look at this skirt," Jubilee said from another area.

_Thank you!_ Jean thought as Kitty went over to Jubilee.

)X-Men( 

_And in electronics . . . _

Rogue skimmed through a box of marked down CDs in boredom. _Don't they have any good music?_ She scowled as a CD featuring '_Muskrat love_' surfaced.

"Hey, Rogue. Check it out. I found a CD vith '_Muskrat love'_ on it," Kurt said. "And as a bonus it has '_Kung fu fighting' _and '_Tiptoe through ze tulips'."_

_One person's trash, _Rogue thought as she shook her head.

"And it's only five dollars! Ve can have something to listen to on ze trip," Kurt said enthusiastically.

"Oh Yay," Rogue said dryly. "Ah'm not gonna be in the same car with that thing."

"Vhat's wrong vith it?" Kurt demanded.

Rogue shook her head. "Never mind."

)+BROTHERHOOD+( 

_And in women's lingerie . . . _

The Brotherhood boys minus Lance and plus Bobby were wreaking havoc on said department. Something they are extremely good at.

Bobby was wearing a red, lacy double 'D' cup bra on over his shirt and had stuffed a grapefruit in either side of it,

Pietro was zooming around with a pair of yellow panties on his head,

and Todd and Fred were trying to convince John to put on a pink bra with matching panties. The bra had 'Hot' written on it and the behind of the panties read 'Stuff', both in fancy flame writing.

"Oh, c'mon, John!" Todd said.

"There is no way I'm going to humiliate myself like that," John huffed with his arms crossed over his chest and his chin stuck up in the air. "They're not my color. They clash with my hair."

"They have the same ones in different colors," Fred informed. "Here's blue, green, orange, red-"

"Gimme the red!" John said.

"Yo, Pietro! You owe me five bucks!" Todd yelled.

Bobby was running through the department. Grapefruits flopping in the wind, when he had a collision with a very tall, very wide . . . 'woman'.

"Er, I'm sorry Mister, I mean Miss, miss," Bobby stuttered as he stood in the persons' shadow.

"Do zhey 'ave zees een a beegar size?" The woman asked in a thick German accent as she fingered the bra Bobby was wearing.

"I-I-I think so . . . over there," Bobby pointed.

"Donka," The woman said and pinched Bobby's cheek.

"N-no p-problem," Bobby swallowed loudly.

When the woman was out of sight Bobby went back to the Brotherhood boys. "I'm going . . . to another department," He stated.

"Yo, Bobby, you okay? You look kinda . . . green," Todd said.

"Yeah . . . sure," Bobby remarked before dumping the grapefruits and bra and running out of the department.

"He seemed . . . jumpy," Fred commented.

Todd shrugged.

)X-Men( 

_Just outside the lingerie department . . . _

"Bobby? What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be getting new sneakers," Lance snapped irritably as he ran into a clammy, shaking Iceman.

"I-I-I g-got s-side tracked," Bobby said and ran off with his sneakers squish-squishing as he went.

"Those X-Geeks need serious help," Lance muttered as he made his way to mens' clothes.

)X-Men( 

_Just inside the automatic doors . . . _

Remy sat on a bench and allowed memories to wash over him in an overwhelming flood.

Images of past mischief flowed through his mind.

Getting in brawls with Fara when he was small, getting in brawls _over_ Fara when he was older, pulling pranks on the old man down the road just to prove he could, getting his mouth washed out with soap when he used words he shouldn't, sneaking off to go fishing in the middle of the night only to be dragged back home by his ear, Fara's loyalty and 'What's the big deal?' attitude when his powers manifested . . .

_Good times,_ Remy thought. _I've got a lot now but I lost a lot too, _He sighed. He could practically see Fara's haunting green eyes. Not the phantom images of most memories, but a pure image of deep emerald green.

_Maybe that's part of the reason I'm drawn to Rogue. Those eyes remind me so much of Fara . . . _A guilty twinge hit Remy. _It's not like I could have stayed, I was in too deep of trouble, _He told himself as he shuffled his cards. _So why do I feel so lousy?_

)X-Men( 

Scott Summers -the perfect example of a future bureaucrat- now found himself holding a bottle of food coloring. The weapon of choice against a powerful enemy.

"This isn't me. This is some kind of road trip demon that's possessing me. I don't do this kind of stuff," Scott told himself.

"Oh admit it. You're turning to the dark side, Anakin Skywalker," Wanda scoffed.

"So who are you pranking?" Tabitha asked.

Scott was silent.

"Is Mr. Perfect going to prank his girlfriend?" Tabitha smirked after the silence.

"I didn't say that," Scott said.

"You don't have to. We can see it in your eyes," Wanda said.

"It's all in good fun," Scott informed.

"Bull. You're getting revenge and you know it," Wanda said. "That's why you're being defensive."

"I'm not being defensive," Scott argued.

"Right," Tabitha said sarcastically.

)X-Men( 

_1:36Pm. Location: Wal-mart parking lot._

Logan had succeeded in retrieving all of the kids before security forcibly removed them-An accomplishment he was rather proud of.

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Logan?" Scott asked.

"Sure," Logan said.

The two moved a short distance away from the group.

Scott didn't share his concerns until he was sure they could not be overheard.

"Is it just me or is something wrong with Remy?" He asked.

"Somethin's wrong with Gumbo." Logan nodded in agreement.

"What should we do?" Scott asked.

"Nothing. If he needs help he'll ask for it," Logan said.

"So that's it?" Scott inquired.

"Yeah. For now," Logan said.

They went back to the groups and settled into their vehicles, braced for the trouble ahead.

Logan had just pulled out of the parking lot when Bobby spoke up.

"We forgot my sneakers," he announced.

Logan was pretty sure that was when the migraine hit. He recklessly turned the truck around and stopped just in front of the building. He handed Bobby twenty-five dollars. "Out of truck. Into the store. Get shoes. Get out. Got it?"

Bobby nodded and jumped out of the truck.

"You seem to be in a really bad mood lately, Logan. Is everything okay?" Kitty asked innocently.

Logan's eye twitched. "Yeah. Sure, kid. Peachy," he replied in a maniacally calm and terrifying voice.

When Bobby returned Logan waited just long enough for the boy to get in the vehicle before he hit the gas.

He just pulled out of the parking lot when he heard another announcement.

"I'm hungry," Kurt said.

Logan sighed. Last time they ate he had nearly been mauled by a three-year-old and Todd had gotten stuck in one of the play place tunnels. That was yesterday evening. _There's no way I'm going back to McDonald's_. He looked around. There was a White Castle_. Please tell me there's somewhere else to eat!_ He thought as the idea of being trapped with a bunch of flatulent teenagers crossed his mind. _Maybe if I drive fast, they won't see it._

"Hey, look! There's a White castle!" Bobby said.

"I hate my life," Logan groaned.

"Belly bombers!" Kurt exclaimed.

"Please! Anything but that!" Logan whimpered.

"There's a Chuck. E. Cheese," Kitty pointed. "They'll have a salad bar."

"That works," Logan said as he considered the alternative.

They pulled into the parking lot of the Chuck E. Cheese and had just gotten into the crowded building when the attention of everyone there was captured . . .

"_I'm, too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt so sexy it hurts-"_

"What in the H-," Logan spluttered but was interrupted by Remy.

"Dat just ain't your ring-tone, Mona mi," he said, pointing at the cell phone on Logan's belt.

"_-And I do my little turn on the sidewalk-"_

Logan stared in shock and amazement for a minute before he regained consciousness enough to answer the phone.

"Logan," He announced into the phone. "Hey 'Roro . . . at a Chuck. E. Cheese in Kentucky . . . don't ask . . . yes, Mapquest was involved . . . I did ask for directions! . . . the noise in the background? . . . that would be a bunch of teenagers laughing hysterically . . . why are they laughing? . . . It would seem that some wise-guy changed the ring-tones on my phone . . . you don't wanna know 'Roro . . . fine, I'll tell you if you think it's that important . . . I'm too sexy . . . stop laughing at me, dang it! . . . it's not funny! . . . it's sure as heck not _that_ funny . . . what do you mean the manicurist is looking at you weird? . . . wait a minute! Where are you that you're getting a manicure anyway? . . . I hate my life . . . yes I'm whining . . . how is it that you have such a thing as vacation time? . . . yeah, laugh it up . . . some day they'll get you too . . . whaddya ya mean 'I'm more fun to torture'? . . . I think that qualifies as abuse . . . and _that_ is harassment . . . MASSAGE! You're getting a massage? . . . I've really gotta discuss some changes with Chuck . . . alright, I'll see you then. 'Bye." He turned off the phone and glared at each guilty-faced teen in turn. "I don't know who did this, but whoever it is _will pay_," he said in a menacing whisper. He turned around and looked around at the other customers who wear staring and laughing. "What's so funny? Turn around and eat!" he snarled and the alarmed people immediately obeyed.

The X-kids and Brotherhood made their ways to the salad bar.

"Do you have Bac-os instead of bacon-bits?" Kitty asked one of the employees.

"Sorry, kid. You'll have to use the real thing or do without." The man shrugged.

"I can't eat bacon, I 'm a vegetarian," Kitty stated.

"That's your problem," the man replied.

"And I'm Jewish," Kitty added.

The man winced. "Sorry. I didn't mean to bother you."

"Too late," Kitty said and went to the table. Leaving her plate on the counter as an acknowledgment of her irritation.

"She can be offended all she wants. I'm eating," Bobby commented.

Rogue watched her friend walk to the table and noticed something wrong. _Remy's not eating? _She thought somewhat worriedly as she watched the Cajun lean back in his chair and shuffle his cards. _I wonder if it's my fault? I didn't think the prank was that big of a deal, but then again I know so little about his past I don't really know how important it was . . . _Rogue left the salad bar and went to Remy. "You alright?" she asked.

Remy looked up at her. "Sure, _Chere_. Remy fine," he shrugged.

"No you're not. What's up?" Rogue asked.

"Nothin', _Chere._ Homesick's all," Remy said, avoiding eye contact.

"Why're you lyin'?" Rogue demanded.

"I'm not," Remy gritted.

"Can Ah do anythin'?" Rogue asked in the hopes of lessening Remy's dark, irritable mood.

Remy stared hard into Rogue's eyes for a second. "Non, _Chere_."

Rogue sighed. "If Ah can do anythin' tell meh," she said.

"A'righ', _Chere_," Remy said, forcing a smile and kissing Rogue on the cheek.

_I wish he wouldn't do that, _Rogue thought as her fear of injuring someone gnawed painfully at her mind.

"Don' worry, _Chere_. You're not gonna hurt me," Remy said, reading the look on Rogue's face.

"Ah'm just, scared," Rogue mumbled.

"Don' be," Remy replied with a grin.

"And wait a minute! Who gave you permission ta kiss meh?" Rogue snarled when it occurred to her what had just happened.

Remy blinked innocently at her. "You didn' seem to mind, _Chere," _he purred before jumping out of her reach and going to the salad bar.

Rogue stood planted in place, seething. "That . . . _Cajun_," she growled.

Remy turned around and grinned at Rogue.

"Jerk," Rogue mumbled.

"Hey, Rogue. Have you seen Logan? He's missing," Kurt said as he approached his sister.

"No. He's probably just decidin' how to kill us all." Rogue shrugged.

-------

"Speed demon."

WHOP!

"Toad."

WHOP!

"Lance."

WHOP!

"Pyro."

WHOP!

"Elf boy."

WHOP!

"Scooter."

WHOP!

"Gumbo."

WHOP-WHOP-WHOP! . . . WHOP!

"Kitty."

WHOP!

"Jubilee."

WHOP!

"Bobby."

WHOP!

"Chuck.."

KER-WHOP-WHOP-WHOP! SPLAT! WHOP! CRUNCH!

Squeaky watched in wide-eyed fascination as his newly acquired pet pummeled the whack-a-mole game, naming each innocent rodent as he went.

"Excuse me, sir. I need you to please not hit the games so hard. We don't want them damaged," one of the employees said as he approached Logan.

Logan turned around and faced the man, who, upon seeing the look on Logan's face, started shaking like an autumn leaf in a strong wind. "Fine," he growled and set the mallet down.

He started to walk away then turned around, picked up the mallet and beat the mole one more time with a resounding 'WHOP!'


End file.
